Journal Entry, July 14, 2012

I Had Yet Another Dream

This is the third unusual dream I have had in as many days. I was walking around in a modern office complex of some kind looking for a bathroom. A secretary intercepted me and told me that I was not allowed to be here. Then quickly her behavior toward me changed, as if she recognized that I too worked somewhere in the building and had the technical experience and equipment necessary to help her. She pulled me aside and handed to me several movie DVDs asking me if I could figure out how to copy them for her. I always feel a desire to help people whenever they lack an ability which I possess, so I happily said “Sure. I can find a way to do that.”

Next thing I know, I am in an empty office, sitting at a computer with the first DVD already inserted, which is Disney’s “The Lion King.” Then, as I began to focus on the task at hand, I became more conscious of my actions, and I think “What am I doing? I am about to break copyright law. How did I get to this point without realizing it. I should not do this.” Just then, a tiny, intense feeling begins to rise up inside me which says “But I want to do it anyway. I want to.” Right there, frozen in that moment, I had to choose. Do I do what I want in secret or do what is right? I then told myself that I had to stop. I can’t do this. I hope she will understand.

So far this dream was not all that extraordinary. I probably would not have even remembered it except for what happened next…

As I was choosing to stop, I looked at the wall just beyond my computer monitor and I saw the bottom part of another flat-screen monitor mounted on the wall which showed the same brightly-lit Lion King logo as was on my computer screen. Only this wall-mounted screen looked more like an actual picture frame containing a poster made of thin, brightly-lit fabric which was moving as in a breeze; rippling like water, with tiny sparkles of light shooting out of it. As my eyes scanned up this fabric monitor-screen, I could not see the top. The ceiling right above the computer station was like a long elevator shaft, each wall covered with this bright, ripping, computer-monitor fabric. In fact the whole ceiling of the room itself was also covered with this video-fabric, like one great big, living, movie screen. I sat back and thought “Wow!”

I woke up right then and realized I had just been tested. Although the temptation I suddenly felt in this dream was light compared to other times in my life, it was still temptation. In that decisive moment, I wasn’t even aware of God or Satan.

The lingering taste of that feeling of suddenly, intensely “wanting something which I know is wrong” caused me to feel disappointed in myself, like I had really let God down. He and I both know that I am very sincere about going all the way with Him. “I am committed to You, Lord — aren’t I? If something in me is against You, I don’t want it there. But how do I get it out? Please help me.”

I’m not sure, but I’m wondering if that sudden, intense, rebellious feeling of “wanting my way” did not actually come from inside of me. What if that feeling comes from Satan himself. What if any time any of us feel that, it is actually Satan pressing his creepy, hateful spirit right up against ours and breathing heavily into our soul’s ear.

I believe I have discovered that everything in this life can be distilled down to single, distinct moments of free will choice. It is in those decisive moments that we either preserver or fall short.

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